Part of the reason it feels so risky to be our authentic selves is because we have internalized those times when someone excluded us, chastised us, or disapproved of us for being who we are. For me, the fear of being ridiculed or not loved keeps me living small.
Luckily, if we pick up any inspirational book on mindfulness or spirituality we get reminders to follow our unique path and to be our brilliant selves. These eloquent books reveal the beauty in being authentic and the virtues of imperfection and vulnerability. These enlightening teachers explain how often we live under illusions, shackled by the past. How we hold untrue beliefs about ourselves and our self-worth, our potential.
In order to live more full lives we need to break free from these false oppressive structures: limiting beliefs, the fear of following our passions, disconnection from our soul’s purpose. In other words, part of our journey includes leaving behind the voices that repeat and reinforce past shame and hurt.
Rarely though, do you hear spiritual teachers talk about the fact that, no matter how enlightened we strive to be
haters are still gonna hate.
People will judge you.
People will question you.
People will doubt you.
Folks don’t always respond kindly to you letting your light shine. In fact, the brighter you become, the greater number of haters you are likely to attract. Now I don’t want to come off as all pessimistic and dark. There are many rewards to living a more full, meaningful and authentic existence– not the least of which is a greater sense of freedom. Still, I just need to put it out there that haterism is alive and well and might mess with your head every once in a while.
Let’s give the haters the benefit of the doubt. Haters are likely speaking from their own fears. Out of love, they want to protect you from any pain you might experience in risking being more authentic and real. They want you to be safe in your little box. And they certainly don’t want their lives shaken up by inadvertently suggesting they need to step out of their own comfort zones.
Clearly, haters can also be motivated by jealousy. And they don’t always make their hating obvious. Rather than saying something out loud, haters can say a lot with silence. Because haters feel threatened by anything that challenges the status quo, they might be too civilized to outwardly attack you. Instead they might prefer to just raise their eyebrows, give a look, or act uninterested in your growth or achievement.
No matter their motives, it is safe to consider those folks dangerous to your overall health and it is safe to disregard their judgments, advice, or warnings. The fact that they ignore you, criticize you, or are intimidated by your presence is NO reflection of your value.
It might be useful to think of yourself as having an allergy to the haters. When you have, let’s say, a food allergy you don’t necessarily fixate on all the things you can’t eat. You eventually stop lamenting everyday how unfair it is to have a bad reaction to that food.
You just learn to stay the heck away from that food. And if you happen to accidentally ingest some of the
hateradefood you can’t tolerate– you do what is necessary to heal yourself. You stop eating it. You get it away from you. You avoid it cuz you know it’s not good for you…
This is not to say that you will be everyone’s cup of tea and that everyone has to love what you do, now. What I am saying is, when you start to take risks, go down a different path, chart a new journey– don’t expect cheerleaders all along the way. And often sometimes the very people you expect to support you (the person you sleep next to every night or your parents) might be the biggest haters or naysayers.
This is when the middle finger comes in handy. You expect haters to hate so it rolls off your back. You are not doing it for them anyway, right? You are doing this for yourself. Because, in the end, it is the life YOU lead that matters. You can’t take none of this or none of them (or their judgments) with you.
Who is your master?
What higher purpose are you being called to?
What unique gifts are yours to contribute?
Let the haters hate. That’s just what they do…
This is simply a reminder that being on the path to authenticity and spiritual fulfillment is not always easy and smooth and cheery and shit.
xoxo E
PS Keep on the look out– next I’ll share about one the biggest haters of all, my inner hater.
Bonus video!
See what filmmaker Nefertite Nguvu has to share about how she deals with haters:
I like this.
last week I made a couple beautiful journal pages. one of the false definitions I had given me as a child, then I covered it and made one with the true definitions I give myself now. someone came on and left a very angry comment about how I should back and internalize those definitions from others and they were right and on and on…it was pretty angry and hurtful. but its hard not to take that in but its also easier to see that clearly that person is the one with the issues and there is NO reason I needed to do what they said or even accept their words.
still isn’t instantaneous but I’m working on it.
Yes, Nina. I know what you mean and it is not easy! xoxo Eloiza
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YES Elo! Haters are just weight that give us a chance to flex our muscles. They are such good mirrors. What do we do when we catch a whiff of haterade? Do we push back? React? Defend? Retreat? I feel like it’s hard not to do those things because that’s what we’ve been conditioned to do – those reactions are tantrums thrown by our childhood selves for not getting the ________ (love, attention, good discipline, positivity, approval) that we so badly craved at the time. So if you can breathe and continue to BE SEEN in the face of hateration (my personal challenge, I’ll be telling you all about it) then you get to strengthen that deep foundation of self-worth and compassion even more! Can you tell this is something I’ve been digging deep into lately!? Whew! I need a banana or something!
Whew! That was some deep stuff there Amelia. And yes, the work you’ve been doing is evident– deep wisdom right there. xoxo Eloiza
Haters… what an interesting and timely topic, Eloiza. Many times, I am surprised by the Haters. I used to let Haters motivate me and inspire me to greatness. These days, I don’t know. I have to pick my battles and develop a strategy.
I consider myself to be a cheerleader. I love to see people achieve and succeed. It inspires me. Sadly, I don’t see a lot of that around me.
Surrounding yourself with nurturing relationships can sometimes be a challenge. Because, if you press the wrong buttons with someone, who can you really trust? People can turn on a dime.
I try not to take things personally. But, sometimes the hate is reflected (or feels like it, at least) in some very personal spaces. The best thing to do is to stay on the path. But, I’ve learned, we will sometimes walk alone. I’m learning to be ‘okay’ with that.
Thank you for this .What to do if the haters are living with u?How to avoid?I needed this post thanks !