Radical Advice on Being More B*tchy

Bitch.

They’ll call you one without cause or provocation.  When you do stand up for yourself, you’ll be accused of talking back and being uppity.

I, for one, am working on being a more selfish and uppity bitch.
I, for one, am working on being a more selfish and uppity bitch.

Bitch.

It’s a word fraught with judgement and scorn.  It’s used to denigrate and diminish.  It’s an insult, a curse, contemptuous,  malicious.

Bitch.

While we might claim it, own it or reappropriate the word.  It will never fully reflect who we are.

And still this word includes qualities that are enviable.

Continue reading Radical Advice on Being More B*tchy

Radical Advice: Being Good Doesn’t Inoculate You From Sh*t

IMG_3872First things first,  I mostly conform to conventional mores.  And I teach my own kids to be good and obedient.  A measure of compliance is, of course, beneficial and valuable.

As women we’ve likely been trained to be easy to get along with and nice.  This may help us feel safe– predictable, and controlled.  Many of us exhaust ourselves keeping up with the ideal of what being good looks like.  And who the heck has time for that?

Yes, being kind, compassionate and generous is important.  Being modest, humble or self-effacing, however, is overrated and does not inoculate us from sh*t. We are still imperfect.  We still experience adversity.  We still suffer.

We lose out by carrying the pressure to be “good” into adulthood.

Continue reading Radical Advice: Being Good Doesn’t Inoculate You From Sh*t

Radical Advice for Competent, Responsible, Sensible Women

IMG_3617You’re competent.  You’re responsible.  You’re sensible.  You have it together.  People rely on you.

You mostly complete tasks. You’re mostly on time.  You mostly do what you say you’re gonna do.

Yet  somehow life is not fully satisfying.  You’re not deeply rewarded for your goodness.  Even when you’re praised for being kick-ass, it doesn’t  feel quite gratifying.

See, mastery in the world doesn’t always equal happiness.  But you knew that didn’t you?  Being responsible and proficient means something, for sure.  It just doesn’t mean fulfillment, love, joy.

One woman’s experience describes what many of us might feel at some point in our lives.  She had trouble receiving and enjoying blessings.  In exploring this together we discovered she needed support cultivating a space for herself.  She couldn’t fully enjoy her thriving business, her wonderful children, her loyal friends because her inner sense of self was obscured by outward duties and obligations.

Through coaching over the years with women like you (and in working through my own ish) here is some radical advice:

1.   Stop being so effing self-effacing.  Just stop.  Stop apologizing.  Stop denying praise, a compliment, recognition.  Close your mouth and take it in.  Say thank you.  You get no extra points for being good at what you do and being modest about it.  Practice receiving the acknowledgement that you are valuable and treasured.  Don’t cut yourself off from the love and admiration someone else sends your way.  Contemplate:  What would it be like to let myself be affirmed and celebrated?  Who am I to deny my gifts?

2.   Be vulnerable.  Part of what  makes you so efficient and capable is that you often forget or deny just how vulnerable you are.  We all are.  Life can be challenging, heart-breaking, even tragic.  Take time in stillness and quiet contemplation.  Feel your soft susceptible parts.  Touch the tender, even weak parts of you.  Lower your defenses for just a moment and feel the freedom in letting your guard down.  As an act of kindness towards yourself consider:  In what ways am I weak or defenseless? How can I hold these parts of myself with more love?

3.   Change up your routine.  Switch it up.  Take a different route to work.  Sign up for a new class.  Try a new recipe.  Do something you wouldn’t normally do but maybe have been yearning to do.  Honor an impulse.  Follow a hunch.  Pursue a secret longing.  Be a novice.  Let yourself be not-so-competent, not-so-skillful, not-such-an-expert.  Risk failure.  What new, different or challenging thing can I try?   What’s stopping me?

4.   Be more vain.  Strut your stuff.  Be selfish.  Self-absorbed even.  See, what I know about the competent, responsible and sensible women I work with is that it would take A LOT for you to be truly, obnoxiously arrogant and cocky.  So stretching yourself in this way is a good and a relatively safe thing.  Ask yourself:  What’s  brilliant about me?  What’s my unique contribution?  In what ways am I wonderful, fantastic and cool?

5.   Get support.  I didn’t say any of this would be easy.  Of course not.  Transformation is difficult.  Patterns are hard to shift.  After all, you’ve built up your identity around being competent.  You’d be crazy to change at this point, right? Yet, the desire for more wholeness and freedom is nagging you.  Reach out to someone who can lovingly guide you in your journey.

xo Eloiza

Radical Advice for Mothers of Fiery Daughters

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photo credit: Rita Jamai

Tell her you adore her.  Tell her she’s your best thing.  Kiss, hug and snuggle often.  Try to remember your grief does not trump hers. Ask her why she’s hurting.  Tell her you’re sad too.  Say, I know my dear it must hurt, instead of life is unfair.  When she tells you someone at school mistreats her, teach her to flip him the bird.  And reach out for help for heaven’s sake.

Continue reading Radical Advice for Mothers of Fiery Daughters

Teaching Kids About Injustice & Police Brutality

Black Lives Matter. This is precisely why we need to let children be children. Not only do we want them to be safe from being murdered at whim and with impunity. We want them to have more than that. Exploration. Discovery. Curiosity. Creativity. Play. This is how they learn freedom. This is how they learn self-determination. This is how they learn justice. Photo credit: Rita Jamai

When it’s time to discuss difficult and sensitive topics with my 9 year old son and 7 year old daughter my first response is normally to tell the truth.  This often means I  keep it vague and abstract, but I’m sure not to lie.

Kids know about unfairness.   Kids know about meanness.   Kids know about lying.

We talk about how small minded people who have power and authority often abuse it.  How people who are hurting inside are often compelled to hurt others.  How it’s important to act with kindness integrity in order to combat darkness and injustice.

And there is a part of me that wants to protect their immature, innocent, untainted psyches.  To let them be children.  Continue reading Teaching Kids About Injustice & Police Brutality

Radical Advice: Be More Selfish

For the most part, the women I coach with are generous, conscientious and concerned about social justice. They attend to others’ needs.  They treat others with respect and kindness. They work on behalf of truth and fairness.  They have integrity.

peonyYet, they often struggle with attending to their own needs.  I often counsel with this play on a common adage:  treat YOURSELF as you would treat others.  In sessions we acknowledge the ways women are tired, depleted, drained.  And this is especially true of mothers… Continue reading Radical Advice: Be More Selfish

Cinderella and Her Hateful Sisters: learning from envy

The new Disney version of the Cinderella fable departs from other popular versions in that it focuses on Cinderella’s capacity for courage and kindness.  This is especially poignant in the midst of the envy and cruelty of her stepmother and sisters.

While I’m generally critical of sanitized versions of myths that tend to send the wrong message to young girls about beauty and being saved by a prince, the story offers valuable insights.

landscape_nrm_1423671687-gallery_1423669515-capture_decran_2015-02-11_a_104050_amJealousy is thinking someone or something else will get in the way of you getting your loved one’s affection.   Envy, on the other hand, is directed at another wanting their qualities, success, or possessions.

Continue reading Cinderella and Her Hateful Sisters: learning from envy

Summer Specials

If you’re like me, you’re ready to invite in more aliveness, warmth and growth after a long, rough winter.  I’m offering individual sessions and packages for women seeking wholeness and happiness. These reduced rates for the spring and summer will support your desires and help you shake off the winter doldrums.  This is a great time to expand into who you already are and who you’re becoming.   Let’s lovingly make it happen.  xo E

summer offer

mothers day 2014

Read what clients have to say about our work together.

Goddess

This is a sample from the Self Care Warrior Challenge.  It’s a 30 day regimen with daily exercises and prompts to cultivate your self care practice.  xoxo E

Who is that part of you that is wise and knowing?  When does she show up?   IMG_8390Sense her grace, beauty, courage, wisdom, compassion.

Your task:

Think about and write down the times when your inner goddess has showed up for you.  Does she show up at work but not in your personal life?  Does she show up on the dance floor or perhaps on the open road?  Honor the goddess in you.

Step it up:

Embody your goddess self.  Wear what she would wear. Conduct yourself with the grace, beauty and knowing of a goddess.

Further reading:  Go Ahead, Post that Selfie

4 Unconventional Ways to Be a Better Mom

Carving out time for you, being honest and realistic, taking stock of your own needs and desires, and getting support along the way can lead to more conscious and joyful mothering.

Here are fouIMG_8190r unconventional ways to be a more present, fulfilled and alive mother:

1.  Be More Selfish

The selfish I’m talking about is taking time out for YOU.  In being more selfish we model self-care for our kids.  When we give unconditionally we rob our children the opportunity to practice independence and responsibility.  They learn from us when we say, “Mommy needs a time out.”  Or, “Mommy needs to go exercise so I’m more relaxed and feel better.”  Putting ourselves first replenishes us so we can ultimately be more present and attentive to our children.  How can you be more selfish? Continue reading 4 Unconventional Ways to Be a Better Mom

Radical Advice: Go Ahead, Post that Selfie

Don’t be so quick to condemn narcissists. You could learn a thing or two from them.

I’ve read a few articles recently about an apparent increase in narcissism (especially in younger generations) that point to social media as the culprit.

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A lot has been written (with some research to back it up) about the correlation between social media use and narcissistic tendencies.  With that being well documented and critiqued, I want to look at what we might learn from the trend towards self-aggrandizement and self-adulation.

Continue reading Radical Advice: Go Ahead, Post that Selfie

Radical Advice: Stop Lying to Yourself

IMG_7527If you’re seeking enlightenment or self discovery you’ve likely come across the concept of authenticity.  And something seemingly obvious struck me about why authenticity is such a relevant topic.  This focus on authenticity has to do, in part, with the fact that we humans lie.

We lie every day.  We lie to ourselves.  We lie to each other.  We romanticize the past.  We deny the present.  We fantasize the future.  We lie. Continue reading Radical Advice: Stop Lying to Yourself

longing, ecstacy & oneness

TEDx SF 2011 Alive - Nicole Daedone ©Suzie Kat...

Before I jump into my critique of Nicole Daedone’s TEDx talk (see YouTube clip below) I want to get something out of the way:   Hell yes.  I want to experience what she describes.  Intimate, tender, mind blowing orgasms.

Continue reading longing, ecstacy & oneness

Why I’m in Therapy (the difference between therapy & coaching)

Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis, smok...

I’m in therapy.  And I’m an integrative coach.  I believe in the power of coaching and am even sometimes cavalier enough to say its methods are superior. And therapy is where I’m at right now.

I’m asked all the time what’s the difference between coaching and therapy?  So I sought a great therapist to find out. Continue reading Why I’m in Therapy (the difference between therapy & coaching)

Going to Whole Foods to Buy Cheetos– the trouble with misguided expectations

Whole-Foods-Market-store-Detroit-03Would Whole Foods be your first choice if you were jonesing for Cheetos, or Doritos, or Twinkies?   Sure, you might find something that resembles junk food.   Smart Puffs or chocolate chip scones, maybe?  We are likely to feel dissatisfied with what we end up getting at this store if we go there expecting a variety of junk foods. Continue reading Going to Whole Foods to Buy Cheetos– the trouble with misguided expectations

I’m Seeing Someone…

IMG_9014I have been going out almost every week this summer.   Mostly dancing but also to restaurants, to the movies, to see live music.  See, I’ve begun a tentative love affair with someone– me.

I decided a few months back that I would date myself.   I wanted to detach from the idea that I had to wait for someone else in order to do the things that feed my soul.

No sitting by the phone, no waiting to get asked to dance, no canceled plans cuz my friends couldn’t make it.  Taking myself out on dates helps me get to know myself more intimately, nourish my own needs, and simply celebrate life. Continue reading I’m Seeing Someone…

Haters Gonna Hate

Any inspirational book on mindfulness or spirituality will remind you to follow our unique path and to be your brilliant self.IMG_8113

These books reveal the beauty in being authentic and the virtues of imperfection and vulnerability. Enlightened teachers explain how often we live under illusions, shackled by the past.  And leaving behind the voices that repeat and reinforce past shame and hurt involves doing some serious internal work.

Rarely though, do you hear spiritual teachers talk about the fact that, no matter how enlightened we strive to be haters are gonna hate. Continue reading Haters Gonna Hate

Dancing Through Life

I wish I was as confident and at peace in other areas of my life as I am with my hobby of teaching dance.  I am still practicing…  In fact, in working with my own coach, Mary Mulliken, we have used  dance as a metaphor for how I want to be in my “real career” or in “real life”.

FullSizeRenderWhat if I could live my everyday life like I was dancing? In exploring this metaphor I discovered: Continue reading Dancing Through Life

Maybe I DO Suck

One of my latest status updates on Facebook read:

Finally becoming a grown up: This woman came up to me after class to basically tell me I suck and I shrugged my shoulders and said, Oh well!

257474_1951323717057_1661564775_1939988_7495747_oI got an outpouring of supportive responses from my female friends reminding me how cool I am and how I “don’t suck” in their eyes.  Those who have taken my dance fitness classes told me how much they like my teaching style, choice of music, flow etc.  And still, I suck. Continue reading Maybe I DO Suck